well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
