Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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