Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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