there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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