she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
