Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
