last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed