I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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