9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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