Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
