Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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