I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
