I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
