i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
