Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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