Who wears a wallet chain?!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
