I think I just saw someone hide a body.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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