I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
