Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
