Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
