could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
