It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
