my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
