There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
