so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
