Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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