i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
