there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
