I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
