i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
