Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
