I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
