Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
