I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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