Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize