Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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