so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
