Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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