FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you had me at cake vodka
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
