what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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