birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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