She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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