Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
