Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
