You work out of a Hotel?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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