I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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