the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
