The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
