i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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