her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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