I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
