I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
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Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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