I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
