the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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