Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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