He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think my vagina is haunted
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
