Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
