apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
