You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
