do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I need mimosas to revive my soul
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
