Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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